Sometimes my life seems like an endless cycle of nursing, burping, diaper changing, putting down for a nap. Going anywhere or doing anything outside the house messes up the schedule.
But this morning V was crying, she didn't WANT to sleep. So we went on a walk in the stroller in the beautiful June morning full of sunshine and allergies and runners and porch sitters.
We saw the jogger couples, the ladies with fancy workout clothes, the old ladies piddling in their yards. They all had ready smiles and hands anxious for waving and I forgot how friendly the world is, even when your face is red and you're generally a hot mess. Being a hot mess never felt so amazing.
Two songs on Amos Lee radio moved me to tears, and this one: while I was listenin, the spirit MOVED me. I felt tingles and chills through every inch of me. That's what it feels like to feel alive, completely and totally. In those really indescribable moments I know God is in me, floating around in my pores and veins and guts. He's so there I can't deny it. I had to start running, running and flying like a cheesy movie for the first time in over 9 months. It felt so good to have music filling up my ears and the sky filling up my body and the earth solid under my feet.
I've been hurting about a few big things I've kept quiet. I've been silently sorting through abandonment and betrayal and all flavors of frowning and feelin stuck. Inside my walk today I felt inspired again. I felt like I could go back to our little house and begin the cycle again, with more consciousness and just healed and whole.
I don't need all the things I thought I did. I can create so much just me myself, plus God. Plus music and all the wonderful things in the world that don't have anything to do with people.
Now I'm here with my hair wet, finally showered at 1:00 in the afternoon. V, she was up and bathed and gorgeous by 9 am, but this mama--well, you know you're a mom when plucking your eyebrows seems an unspeakable luxury--and I'm acknowledgin that I skipped a whole lot of stuff in the chronology of this emaciated blog, like V's birth and deep reflections and metaphors about what being a mom is like. But today, I am full of the tingly happiness of summertime walkin to amazing music. Today I felt like singin again for the first time in a really, really long time.
I'm coming back to life after a long winter of uncertainty.I thought becoming a mom would completely change me--I heard from other moms you become a whole new person, you'd be surprised how everything changes.
But not me. I'm the same person.
I'm scared and relieved about that.
Scared because I still have big dreams and desires to create wonderful stuff and put it out into the world and I'm still not sure how that fits long term with being Vienna's momma. We're doing it, though, and it is amazin.
Knock your socks off amazin.
Pop your eyeballs upside down amazin.
Yeah. I'll tell you more about it later--right now that's what you gotta know. Ah.maz.in.
Now go blast a song and get MOVED.