Monday, October 27, 2008
the other thing i've been having doubts about is being a music ed major. i don't want to do things classically for four years! i want to do music the way i want to do music. i've just figured up to this point that i'll do things byu's way for a while and then i can do it my way, but there's always the fear that i'll never get that opportunity and it'll all be wasted. but nothing excites me more than planning lesson after lesson of music, all kinds of music, to change the lives of students from every walk of life. i never tire of planning my opening remarks for day one of every school year, or analyzing what lauryn hill pieces i'm going to assign. the insane excitement of those thoughts makes it worth it to me for now.
non-cohesive babblings. sorry to give you the raw version...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
That song that you wrote about me came on while my iPod was shuffling...I smiled with the irony and listened to memories of feelings-nothing more than feelings-a lot of bitterness and wondering and nostalgia. I just need to dismiss it as such.
I can't always demand closure from outside sources-life's not constructed that way. Even though it's impossible not to kick myself for not following logic, I guess I don't really regret any of it.
I think the caring-just the deep, emotional connection (yes, completely void of romantic love)-will always be there, no matter how much I forgive and forget-the experiences we have change who we are and make it impossible to forget them. Somebody once told me the feelings never go away. I don't think they ever go away, because once you've had those feelings you are altered in some way-but I do think those feelings can change form.
I have that quality of doing everything with everything I've got, for better and worse-I decided a long time ago it was worth it, and part of the essence of who I am. I've been meaning to quit complaining about it for a while now, but somehow it keeps creeping up!
But my conclusion is this: the fond nostalgia of goodness always dulls the haunting of the painful memories, enough to make it worth it in my mind. The human experience is made up of the full range of emotions-it has to be that way for life to mean anything. I feel these extremes with more intensity than everybody else-it makes the highs higher and the lows lower, yeah, but at the end of the day, I want it that way.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I really do-as inconvenient, smelly, long, and uncomfortable as it can be. Confined together for an hour plus, some chemical reaction occurs between the people-true colors eeke out, somehow.
There's a 14-year-old girl announcing that she's running away to the mall; a man spouting a fountain of swear words that as far as we know are still hovering in space over Lake Michigan today; a couple discussing politics at the top of their lungs, determined to start a revolution beginning with the patrons of UTA; bus drivers who read at stop lights; countless senior citizens taking advantage of retirement and the discount; and my personal favorite: Trouble-Maker-Gum-Coveter-Dred Locks Man.
So it's another day-I'm riding to work, chillin. Just doin a little espanol, studying up. Said man sits next to me and unabashadly peers over my shoulder the entire way. When I pop a piece of Sangria Fresca into my mouth his mouth is visibly watering (no exaggeration.) I offer him a piece of gum, which apparently was his cue to strike up arguably the weirdest conversation in UTA history:
Trouble-Maker-Gum-Coveter-Dred Locks Man: "So, you speak Spanish?"
Me: "Oh, a little. I'm just learning."
TMGCDLM: "You go to BYU?"
TMGCDLM: "Ah, I went there. But they didn't like my dreds so I had ta leave. But then apostles came to my house, I bet BYU wants me back now."
Me: "Why did apostles come to your house?"
TMGCDLM then pulls out a notebook and tells me to read the first page. This thing is full of diagrams and 'prophesies' of when the world is going to end, commandments we should put in place, I don't even know what else. I hand the notebook back to him, not a clue as to what I could say.
TMGCDLM: "Yeah, so they were interested in my prophesies, so they didn't really care 'bout mah dreds too much. I'm just a trouble maker, I guess! My hair is just the beginning."
I love the bus.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I love you guys, so, so much. I'm so thankful for you and all you do and are for me-I know that we've met for a reason. Words can't describe my feelings for you and all the memories we've
shared. Sappy, sappy, sorry-I just can't wait to keep making more!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Ah, but now, as a poor college student, I realize how much money really can buy. Its lack is painfully apparent in broken computers that need fixing, bare cupboards that need replenishing, bare walls that wish for decorating, and hair that longs for chopping.
I'm as convinced as ever that money can't buy happiness...
but I feel like it sure helps.
I still wouldn't ever want the maintenence of a huge house or the pressure of a slick sports car, but I've found myself wondering lately what it would be like to feel the ease that comes from being able to throw money away: you never have to plan your trips to get the cheapest airfare, worry about inconveniencing some friend-of-a-friend so you can skip out on hotel costs, compare prices, clip coupons, shop second-hand, wait for your savings to add up enough to buy whatever new thing you want, keep your job....the list goes ON.
I'm never going to sacrifice things I want for money-but if I do happen to win the lottery without playing, I guess I won't complain.