Alteration.

That song that you wrote about me came on while my iPod was shuffling...I smiled with the irony and listened to memories of feelings-nothing more than feelings-a lot of bitterness and wondering and nostalgia. I just need to dismiss it as such.

I can't always demand closure from outside sources-life's not constructed that way. Even though it's impossible not to kick myself for not following logic, I guess I don't really regret any of it.

I think the caring-just the deep, emotional connection (yes, completely void of romantic love)-will always be there, no matter how much I forgive and forget-the experiences we have change who we are and make it impossible to forget them. Somebody once told me the feelings never go away. I don't think they ever go away, because once you've had those feelings you are altered in some way-but I do think those feelings can change form.

I have that quality of doing everything with everything I've got, for better and worse-I decided a long time ago it was worth it, and part of the essence of who I am. I've been meaning to quit complaining about it for a while now, but somehow it keeps creeping up!

But my conclusion is this: the fond nostalgia of goodness always dulls the haunting of the painful memories, enough to make it worth it in my mind. The human experience is made up of the full range of emotions-it has to be that way for life to mean anything. I feel these extremes with more intensity than everybody else-it makes the highs higher and the lows lower, yeah, but at the end of the day, I want it that way.