Tuesday, July 7, 2009

apology from an insomniac

i look at this blog and frown, because i don't have time.
warning
hi, it's me again, talking about music education again, again.

i only have time to be a restless insomniac for the prospect of ten days.

my pillow doesn't knock me out like usual, and my stomach is churning. my body is pancaked against the mattress but my head is reeling out the window with no screen to the warm july air that screams freedom...

and now just screams an insurmountable task that i fear i cannot do.

but i can, and am, at three in the morning when i spring from my mattress to gather my pile and perch to scribble, scribble. i get a lot out, feel like i've popped a pinhole in a lead balloon. relief of sorts. time, i have time, i am not tired, i am wandering back upstairs, into my bed and under one sheet, kicking off covers and worries and counting slowly, inhaling deeply.

my stomach is still whirling and head is hurling too quickly to relax. counted sheep sing mary had a little lamb and baaa baa black sheep in four part harmony. I splat ideas in the dark all over lined pages, barely coherent and in big, obnoxious handwriting; I am not wanting to turn on a light and also I am not wanting to lose the light that's just flashed in my mind.

like a blinking circus, they open and close off again, on again, and i have to work fast--no, there is still no room for sleep in this bed.
to-do lists and ideas to try for creativity and originality they've never before seen--i guess i talked about all this stuff enough to actually start caring about it, in the middle of the night. it's such a big deal to me.

people are like, "oh cool, music ed. i hear that's hard to get into."

and i want to be like, "yeah, it's cool, because this is my whole life and i am about to fall off a cliff if i don't get into this program this instant."

"yeah, that's sweet that you sing."
and that's it.

the circus finally relents and i drift off, waking to the giggles of a few of my favorites and runnning in the breathtaking morning. my life is good, i remind myself. it is better than good and i want this more than anything, and they will see that.

i thought about apologizing just now, that this music ed hullabaloo is such a big deal to me.

i will try a different apology, something like sorry if you don't know how wonderful it is or why it's such a big deal to me or if you don't care. sorry, yeah, i apologize.
...and i want this more than anything, you know.


1 comment:

kendra said...

apology NOT accepted.

i will never tire of hearing about this. it is in you, brooke! it's your whole being!