1. felt like a hobo because i snagged like, six, perhaps seven, packets of saltines from L&T...and then at them noisily and messily in my oh-so-sophisticated meeting with intelliworks.
a. the brown of my shoes matched the brown of the table leg exactly, which made me feel a little bad because they were church tables from probably the seventies.
I met a man named Brooks which always weirds me out and I knew he was the presentation guy when I saw him outside my office way before the meeting, because he was dressed well and looked like corporate America.
Shawn O'Neal kept looking over at me quizzically, as if to ask what the heck I was doing there. Old men looked at my curled hair and wanted to ask, "you in the right room, honey?"
I am young. I am too young to wear powersuits and attend meetings and pay attention to them for two hours and twelve minutes. I am 19. They think I do not know anything, although I am the student they are trying to serve and reach and market and sell with this fancy software package. I am young, and I hate corporate America. I hate the overcomplication of absolutely EVERYthing, how the presenters are always magnetic but inaccessible. How people expect to be lied to a little bit.
People are leaving the meeting, but I stay, smacking my brown shoe against the brown of the table leg, to show Shawn I am credible and have a brain.
2. I felt like wonderful because we went to the temple and I needed it, and Macy was there and I loved it. After waiting for something, anything, I read about how there will be the most magnificent music in heaven and lost it--well, losing it in that way that makes you feel so inexplicably found.
3. I felt like wonderful again sitting in a restaurant with delicious food and my four best friends in the whole of the universe and thought over and over again how blessed I am to have found them, how rare it is and how much I've learned from each of them. How I think about that all the time but realize it anew in moments like those. I couldn't stop grinning as we discussed how our husbands will be best friends and we'll all live next door and our kids will play together and perhaps my children and Claire's will learn to play video games at Katie and Kaylie's...
4. I felt grateful for people like Macy Sorensen. I felt grateful to and for Macy Sorensen. Macy who is so giving, so humble and magnificent and ready to learn, so interested in my life and me and LOVING. I was grateful for her tears and her presence and her spirit is always able to speak so deeply to mine.
5. I felt tense, then reassured.
6. I felt content and exhausted and happy.
7. I feel that way now. Waking up happy is on my favorite things in the world list.